Charming Hostess


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“Why don’t you get some plant stands and lose the milk crates?
This whole damn place is held together with spit and duct tape.
Your ceiling’s caving in as we speak, all cuz your neighbor’s sink leaks
You’ve got dirty windows and crooked doors, dangling wires and warped floors--
This pad’s a real score.”

CHORUS:You bring it here and say how I live nasty
Well I don’t care, because it’s home sweet home to me.

I’d be sweeping up the place when you’d come over
(Maybe “Better Ho s and Gardens” wants me on the cover)
Wait—did you come over here to fuck me, or judge me cuz my floor is dusty?
Let’s skip the critic routine—
Jump straight to the bedroom where the sheets are clean
I once was lost but now I’m found—I got the best apartment in Oaktown!


Now tell me what are you gonna do for me

Around 6:30 this morning and I woke up thinking about you from my own view
I may be irritating and somewhat disappointing, but I woke up thinking about you from my own view

That’s the context. I was working. I really had no choice.
Ultimatums come down with the moral force of law:
There is nothing I could do. Sorry.

Around 6:30 this morning and I woke up thinking
I was thinking about you, thinking about your show,
But there was nothing I could do—I can’t slip out you know
The law must be obeyed—I don’t want war. Sorry.

Around 6:30 this morning and I woke up thinking
(Tired and sick and furious--irritated about you.)

That’s the context: Sometimes she gets sick, difficult to resist.
That’s the way it is.

“I’m sick, I’m sick!”--There was nothing I could do
(Resist, resist!)--That’s the way it is.

Sometimes when a man’s inside (this happens to other girls. I’m not the only one that cries), hovering above my bed, watching my legs spread—

Could it be I cried? Silently as could be, nobody saw me. But I see between my thighs what can be comforting, joy-bringing, exhilarating, terrifying—in various measures.

A ceiling view: A girl is crying during sex. Do you think the man will notice? Let’s hope the man will notice.

This man’s on a short leash but I fear it’s much too long, cuz he’s not strong.
Just give him three beers, I guarantee that he’ll go wrong.
Like a spy, like a fly, I got 96 eyes to cry and I spy a scarlet letter
on a forehead/in the mailbox of a purebred psycho, should be locked up,

Locked down, turned around, turned away, way out, get outta here you clown.
Go down Moses—get me the fuck out of town.
There’s nothing worse than a cheating man when you know him,
He’s my friend but he makes me sick: Sick like shit on a stick,
like unwanted prick, like a trick at the end of a hard-ass night

CHORUS: Just keep on doing just what you’re doing, cuz I’m almost over you

I could tell you a story, but it’s long and it lacks guts or glory.
I could tell you a story but it’s wrong.
Whosoever casteth the first stone should be careful to aim at my head.
I hate the man I love: You see, I can’t decide who’d be better off dead, him or me.

You pull away pull away you don’t stop
then when I get mad you jump up to make up.
Turn on the charm, a five-alarm fire, then I’m getting naked with a red hot liar.
He has no heart or if he does it’s all locked up,
Just as tight as my pussy when I first got started before I got so slutty and retarded.

CHORUS: Just keep on doing just what you’re doing, cuz I’m almost over you

BRIDGE: Someday he’ll come along, the man I love. Someday he’ll come along…

CHORUS: Just keep on doing just what you’re doing, cuz I’m almost over you.

Why do girls fall for the same shit time after time, same old line, same crime?
It can make you tired when every time your heart gets tugged it goes flying.
Wives, do not trust your men, men do not trust your wives, because some folks don’t have a brain in their head, they’re ready to mess up their own lives.

CHORUS: Just keep on doing what you’re doing, cuz I’m almost over you

OUTRO: Someday he’ll come along, the man I love. Someday he’ll come along…


Ask me once just how I feel. Whisper to me in my ear. (I can’t right now)
Ask me what I’m thinking of. Talk to me in place of love. (I can’t right now)

Well, it’s the last time. But I said that the last time.

Ask me why I want to die. Ask me while you tie your tie. (I can’t right now)
Ask me like you really care. Ask me like you’ll actually be there. (I can’t right now)

That’ll be the first time—you’re scared ‘cause it’s the first time.
Well, it might sting a little bit, but just breathe deep and you’ll begin to dig it—it’s not so bad the first time.

Ask me once just how I feel! (I can’t right now)
Whisper to me in my ear! (I can’t right now)

VERSE 1: You could see me in a chair. You could see me in an empty chair
You could see me when I was not there

B FORM 1: And this conjuring is called romance.
BRIDGE 1: Romance

Don't disappoint, and neither will I. I request the favor of your reply.

VERSE 2: Once you’d wake up and think of me.
You’d look out windows, wonder what I’d see.
You’d look into my eyes and sigh, “The rest is gravy”

B FORM 2: You knew I wanted you and how you wanted me,
You were everything I hoped you’d be:
You surpassed the theory, evoked the corny, I loved you dearly and you fell for me

CHORUS 1: That was romance.

BRIDGE 2: I’m almost there and you’re inside--While you’re staring in my eyes
I’m filled with you and want to cry—While you’re staring in my eyes
You’ll never tell me, cuz you’re too shy.
But all your love shines out from your eyes

VERSE 3: Now I could call you on the phone.
I could call you, I know that you’re home
But I get no further than a dial tone

B FORM 3: Because I know you won’t pick up because you don’t pick up
You don’t pick up the goddamn phone, not for a cold bone
Please don’t call my home without an imprimatur from Rome—

CHORUS 2: From romance

BRIDGE 3: No one can say I didn’t try. You had your chance. Goodbye

VERSE 1: Five will get you ten they could hear us in the next apartment--those stumbling words that told you what my heart meant. Now it makes me laugh when I look at the window and see my note that I wrote in a mote a year ago. Damn—these days that shit looks simple or even downright pathetic. Go ahead, feel free to call me a cynic, but when has true love done me any damn good? I don’t even know if it should.

VERSE 2: The concept of a muse is somewhat problematic—one-sided and static, objectifying and autocratic. A muse is not someone you can make demands of, except when you say “let’s roll in the hay, and take your underpants off.”
You don’t fall in love with a muse, you just fall in love with the way that you use him. Now I have a muse who is mentally ill, and his family misery love for me all is grist for my mill

CHORUS: But if you were the very last muse on earth, you’d still get on my nerves.

VERSE 3: I can drive my own self crazy I don’t need no help from a muse. All the days he comes to my house stressed out with a pout—couldn’t you ever come in and want to know what I’m all about? But I can’t complain. The muse isn’t made for listening--just to taunt me with infrequent visiting. And after each bout he leaves me glistening, juicy loosey grinning like a fucked up floozy.

BRIDGE: Holding hands at midnight, neath a starry sky. It’s nice work if you can get it…

VERSE 4: I said I’d rather be alone and I sound so strong—but it’s been so long. One down and two to go in town, but how can a poor girl concentrate with this damn muse around? I hate the sin but I love the sinner. I’ll let you fight it out and I’ll take the winner. Pray that one still left in the game is the joker with the nerve to tame me.

CHORUS: But if you were the very last muse on earth, you’d still get on my nerves.

Week 1—I cry 8x a day
Week 2—Still blue
Week 3—I hit the whiskey
I hit the wine. I’m getting high.

Week 4—I got your letter
Replay Week 1
Week 5—I’m getting angry
At the time I spent, at how much I cared,
at how I jumped in and you never dared

Now I dream of heaven, I dream of the grave
I miss you so much, and I’m hungry for your touch
But just because I’m weak enough to crave
That don’t make me too weak to be brave.

I read, I read your letter
Boo-hoo, you’re sad
Too bad. I’m crazy lonely

I cannot rise, I want to die

I thought I’d have your baby
Ha ha, ha ha
I’m sad about that baby.

Well I might forgive if I could forget
And I should let go but I haven’t yet



A dream, it was all a dream
You never said the stupid shit that made me want to scream
I never had to hammer at your hillside manor just to talk to you
And I’ve always been happy with everything you do

Maybe I was ambivalent too
Or maybe, more simply put, I was sick of you, in the end
You’re the kind of guy that puts a girl off men
So how did you end up between my legs again?

It’s just a feeling, but I want that feeling
Like a train going off the track, you’re disaster but I want you back
Like a queen greeting her king, everything is everything

Stay away? I tried, but that feeling wins again.

A door to let you in
A silly girl wants to believe that you won’t lie again, make me cry again
I gave you up and now you want to try again
Hard to be lovers and harder to be friends

It wasn’t hard to stay away when I was angry, cuz I was angry
Hard-headed and soft-hearted simultaneously
That’s a combo that’s so familiar to me--I’m a fool for love, can’t rise above my frailty

This is against my better judgement and I know it
If this is love, it’s a piss-poor way to show it
Every genius is a sucker for the insanity plea
But look where I am-- how genius could I really be?

I will not be friends with you. I have my pride
I will not reach out to you. I’ll stay inside

(It’s hard to stay strong when everything goes wrong
When your hope is gone, it’s hard to stay strong)

I don’t need to be friends with you. I don’t need to be nice
I don’t need to show shit to you. Just keep it on ice

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Keep it inside.
Well, it’s hard to stay strong when everything is gone
When everything’s wrong it’s hard to stay strong

I don’t have to be friends with you. I don’t have to be nice to you
I’ll just keep it inside--Don’t cry

I don’t want to be friends with you. I don’t even want to talk to you
I’ll just keep it inside--Don’t cry
Inside, don’t cry. Inside, don’t cry.

Next time stay home with your wife. Next time stay home with your son.
Just watch TV on the couch--I think “Survivor” is on
Just watch TV on the couch. Work for the man all day
Each night you can fight with your wife. It’s the American way.

CHORUS: Oh raise your hand. Go ahead raise your hand again.
Raise your hand and count to three if we’re a happy family.
A happy family, are we a happy family? Are we? Are we?

Some folks fuck their karma up for cash. Some folks fuck their karma up for love.
Next time get your blow job somewhere else. I fucked up my karma long enough.
I loved the kisses of your mouth--to me they’re sweeter far than wine.
I though there could be some way to taste your kisses every day—but not this time.


He’s a 7 year old boy and he wants to learn baseball.
You’re a 45 year old man and his training is your job
So get the fuck outside and teach your boy to play baseball
In obedience are you blessed, in the name of the father and son.





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Copyright 2006 Charming Hostess

Last updated November 18, 2006 Charming Hostess